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February, 2020
Kirsten gave me a call because the excellent New York-supplied art for an upcoming comedy at Pioneer Theater was unconscionably lewd and needed a thorough de-lewdifying, and perhaps a strong bleaching and de-wormer.

The show tells of the Bottom Brothers, playwrights who are aiming to dethrone their rival, Shakespeare, by inventing the musical. The official cartoon art has the brothers on stage, but the one who is bowing has breeches with a strained seam! This horror may be just fine and dandy for craven, baby-eating New Yorkers, but our Utah sensibilities refuse to don stained galoshes and splash around in their pornographic duckpond.

My job: Make the hideous rip go away. And turn the tomato on the sign into an egg. I thought Utahns were okay with tomatoes, but okay, I can do that. I’m having second thoughts about planting tomatoes in public view, now.

So I drew a splattered egg and well-sewn bloomers. Then, since the original painting is a watercolor, I pulled out my Alice In Wonderland watercolors and painted the drawings to match the original palette. Even though I know very little about painting, I know a lot about faking things. Like my driver’s license from when I was 12 years old, and that one orgasm.

It all turned out well enough that I’d dare flaunt it in my newsletter. Pioneer was pleased, and even the New York producers were impressed, as they said, “Not bad, for a bunch of western troglodytes. Now throw it away. We have an illustration with just the Bottom brother with less bottom. That’s what you’ll use.”


My masterpiece of fakery was dumped, and the capital city was not subjected to the promise of a hint of a whiff of a glancing peek at a butt. And somehow the tomato was reinstated. What I don’t understand? Pioneer’s preceding show is called Ass and its illustration is what you might expect. Hey, Pioneer, I’ve got some bloomers I can put on that.

You can see Something Rotten! in May. Click here for more, less-buttocky details.